heart of a broken story

one time i had a dream about you.

i was in a theatre. it was a large theatre but it was simple. One giant red velvet curtain. i was standing on the stage and you were sitting in the audience and you had one leg crossed in a square so that your ankle rested on your other knee. it was a very you way to sit. i think you had some facial hair...

i turned around and you were sitting the exact same way in a chair on the stage, a few feet away from me.

i turned again and there you were sitting in the left side of the audience-5th or 6th row, and also in the right side of the theatre a little closer up.. in the center section, always sitting in that same position, until the theatre was almost full of yous.

i am gonna make it though this year, if it kills me!

i wish

Today:

something is not right with me..

i looked up at my windowsill this morning and this is what I saw..
that is when i realized that i have a problem..
a serious problem.
drinking in bed.
(also: thanks to rachel i think i will drink all drinks out of cocktail glasses for the rest of my life!)

no sleep 'till Brooklyn

i didn't think i would be an aunt again until January.. but surprise!

Brooklyn Kennedy Viduarri born 3 lbs. 11 oz. Healthy and Happy..

an ankle.. an earlobe.. an elbow bone..
what wonder...

December First (((2009)))

when i woke, i took the backdoor to my mind...

The Treehouse Song - Ane Brun

a minor actress.

The latest play was Absent Friends.
And thank you to the friends present at the play..
and also thanks to the friends who were absent yet, supportive from afar.

Absent Friends was sort of awesome to work on because it made me believe that I can actually be funny... that is, play funny characters. I mean, I did things/said things and people actually thought they were funny...
Also discovered: My downfall as a comedic actress.. i have the jimmy falon disease... (i break, when it's funny, i know it- and i laugh too)

In case anyone is wondering what is coming up in actress land.. all semester long a character mask piece called They Shoot Horses Don't They? has been in the works It is based on the book and somethings were even taken from the film adaptation of the book.

The subject matter: Marathon Dances of the 1920's.


This play, a character mask piece, runs only 3 days in January.. the 7th, 8th and 9th. You should really come and see it. It's sort of an intense little play for thought... very different from the comedy of absent friends.. i am excited about it. i'd like to hear your thoughts on it.

of course i am excited about it.. its probably my absolute favorite era for fashion, perhaps also for music.. i cant get enough of louis armstrong, the andrews sisters and/all of the music from that time. and (lets face it) long before this play was cast, i was "that girl" who stays up till 2 in the morning looking at crap like this on Youtube:
http:// width="425" height="344">http:///a>

the anti-pepto bismol club

part of being a grown up means going to the store and getting your own 7 Up and soup when you are sick...

the invention of youtube makes me happy...

i really love everything about it.. the wall paper.. the posters.. the head bands.. all of it.

hold up, hold time..

Lately..



1. i have really wished i could hold time



2. i have been marge (please come see the play.. pretty please.)



3. i really fell in love with the brothers bloom..



4. i discovered that when you dress up like punky brewster for Halloween- most people in Provo do not know who that is.. (i'm kinda old??)



5. i have really relished the feeling of fall:

6. i have been longing a little for the east coast and all the people who are out there..

7. i have been missing all the people in the dirty, dirty sal..

8. i haven't been reading or writing (or, incidentally, blogging) enough..

goodbye el salvador...

A Walk
My eyes already touch the sunny hill.
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;

it has inner light, even from a distance-
and charges us, even if we do not reach it,into something else,
which, hardly sensing it,we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.
-rainer maria rilke

grasped by what i cannot grasp..
charged..

i will have to work backwards for the next couple of weeks to recount the events of the summer...

wrap me in your marrow- stuff me in your bones-sing a mending moan-- a song to bring me home...

sometimes you are where you were
and it feels the same and also it feels different.

a couple of days ago i was sitting on a rickety old bus- on my way back to where we are staying. no one was sitting next to me on the bus- there were other passengers, but we were all spread out... i pulled out a book- a really great book that intrigues me and makes me think.. but i couldn't read it. i didn't want to look down, i wanted to look out -the window. this place is so green. i remembered, but i almost forgot how green...

as we bumped along and i stared out the window, untouched book in lap, an older man boarded the bus.. he did not pay the quarter to ride and i assumed that very soon he would start either a religious "bus sermon" or he was going to start selling something-- because that is what almost always happens on the bus..

but this old man, in his wrinkly tan colored pants and dark shirt just stood and the front of the bus. He took his blue hat (not a baseball cap. a hat) he took it off his head and scrunched it up in the fists of both of his hands and held it directly in front of his chest. I noticed then that he was even older than i first thought.. he was probably in his 60's. He slowly closed his eyes and he held them shut tightly so there were little lines all round them... his round face looked even more round as he held his eyes closed and opened his mouth slightly...

he started to sing.. a song.. some heartbreaking song i had never heard before.. likely a classic here- and if the bus was quiet before-- it was silent as his finished the last verse..

all i remember of the song were the last words to come out of his mouth.. he sang, 'la pobreza se lleva al corazon' (poverty is carried in the heart)..

as he walked past my seat with his hand out, i handed him a quarter and i thought how amazing it was to be back where i had learned something before (this time i am wearing jeans).. and how maybe i had forgotten some of the things i had learned... and maybe i was learning new things (in my jeans)..

and i thought.. 'it's nice to be back in a place that i have not forgotten-- and to see that it has not forgotten me'..

and i thought.. i really hope i can help..
(what i see out the bus window sometimes)

never have i ever....

stayed in a hotel room by myself..

never have i ever-- eaten a bacon cheese burger in a two bedroom, holiday inn hotel room that I am staying in alone in Huston, Texas on my way to el salvador while blogging and watching Morrissey on late night with jimmy fallon.. (breath)

Never, that is, until TONIGHT!

i am going to eat this cheeseburger on this bed- then i am going to sleep on the other bed.. why? because i CAN!

I am also going to enjoy a nice long shower with hot water because it will probably be the last shower with warm water for the next 4 months.

I guess the giant weather issue that caused us to be unable to land in Huston in time to fly to el salvador today was meant to be. i am willing to look at the silver lining here..

(ps. i wish texas were more like friday night lights)

what a life i live in the spring

It's 5 days... monday morning.. monday morning.. I get out of this country.. what i life i live in the spring... (these two songs are on constant rotation)

When i Get To The Border (ft. Zooey Deschanel) - M. Ward


This film i lovely....

Fleet Foxes - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

listless list...

this is me, making up for some miss placed time--

1. a ceramic/mix media self portrait:

2. a lil game of where's waldo. (watch and see how many times you can spot a familiar face):
Greenlight Reel from Greenlight Films on Vimeo.

3. 6 Days till El Salvador !!!!! & !!!!! & more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Easter!:

5. How one flower delivery boy successfully made monday morning better:

and finally

6. Track One of the official Summer Soundtrack: (special thanks to b.b. and the zip car and the golden gate bridge..)

Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa - Hot Chip & Peter Gabriel

Shameless Plug

So, ehhh.. if you have not yet read about it on facebook (or had me harass you in some other way) We are having a fund raiser for the HELP International El Salvador Team at Hot Dog on a Stick on Monday March 23rd from 4-7pm!

(this is my life right now, y'all.. hot dogs and international development! Mayyybee tiny bits of other stuff too- but really- this is mostly it..

So please come. Eat some hot dogs! Tell the nice girl that you are there for the fund raiser or grab a flyer at customer service when you walk in the mall. And we will get some money to help people in El Salvador. Then the people in El Salvador will be just as happy as this guy:Also, if you cant make it on Monday for whatever reason but you still want to HELP (internationally). Please feel free to donate whatever you can on line at http://www.help-international.org/donors/donate-now.html

100% of this money is for projects we will do this summer.. and man, we have some really awesome projects we are hoping to do.

Hope this shameless plug wasn't too too shameless. You will all still read my blog right?

i was meant for the stage

This evening i was talking to my sister about Coraline (which everyone should see- it's really great) and we got talking about the footlights in the theater in that movie.. which led us to a discussion about Somewhere in Time (footlights in that theater).

Maybe some of you haven't seen this brilliant classic starring Jane Seymour and Christopher Reves, and that's a real shame. I kind of wish i were exaggerating when i say that this movie, specifically this scene, was probably ehhhhhh 75-80% of why i wanted so badly to become an actress when i was just a little thing. I watched this movie with said sister, probably one zillion times!



mindy also reminded me that jane seymour was in the film of The Scarlet Pimpernel (another way over watched with sister movie) and she plays an actress again! Man, jane-- you are kind of my inspiration??

(yikes)

you have to marry me, Howard!

So- in the 7th grade I had a mad crush on this boy who wrote poems inside of a sketchbook, had long bleached blond hair and wore Marlyn Manson T-Shirts to school... that lasted years. I moved away and we wrote letters back and forth (we never got into email-- we kept it old school)...

I thought I might never have a crush like that again until the day I set foot on campus at the Las Vegas Academy. It was there that I met Matt Goubler. Oh Matt Goubler, Matt walk around campus with your hands in your pockets, always looking amazingly mysterious/charming/adorable Goubler.. Matt Goubler was my Jordan Catelano..

He actually ushered me into my audition for the Academy and through all the parts of my audition. I wrote pages and pages about that in my journal. That year he also played Howard in Picnic at LVA-- and that hat made me love him even more.. The cover to the program (yes i still remember) said, "what can you do with the love that you feel?" Coincidence? I think not! The character who plays opposite him begs him to marry her sayin, 'you have to marry me Howard.' And I would repeat that with Tonopah and other girlfriends whenever I thought about Matt Goubler..

Most crushes just disappear, like Mr. 7th grade-- but some of them, like Matt turn into famous actor or model or artists

You may have seen my first high school crush in Life Aquatic (the intern) or maybe one of 60 something episodes of criminal minds.. maybe modeling for Marc Jacobs or Louis Vuitton... or maybe you have seen him in one of these collages that some 16 year old girl probably posted on the internet..


Oh the ones that get away...
(he didn't even know my name- but i am sure we were meant to be)



side note: Mr. 7th grade is a major scene-ster in SLC. He works at the Urban Lounge. I see him all the time. Life's awful funny.

cher amour,

en additionnant la cote, je vous ai attendus
je compte les appels qui n'ont jamais traversé
je compte mes amis vous avez fondu complètement
je compte les temps vous êtes venus depuis un jour

j'ai eu assez, vous ne me donnez jamais rien
vous ne savez pas que l'amour va à la maison à Paris au printemps ?


-emily

Huck-a-hunk of burnin' love

Oh wow.

So- I was going through old pictures and things trying to clean up make room on my sad-excuse-for-a-computer and I came across this old video that I totally forgot I had! I almost peed my pants, I was laughing so hard!

This was one day in after school, when I was working with the kiddies (probably almost a year ago now.. i cant believe it).

We were singing Elvis songs (the first graders were really into Elvis I used to bring my guitar so we could mess around and sing..)but, as you can will see, on this particular day they were really just not all that into it..

this video is also a fantastic display of how much control i have over kids.. awesome..

the camera man was a 7 year old named Jael.. (you will see his shoe)

o

I would like to be you (just for a few habit forming years)

i have a favorite ceramist.
that's her.



once a week she is my favorite ceramics teacher and helps me to make things like this:


and when the handle of the umbrella that i just complete snaps into three pieces, and i almost start crying- she fixes it right up!!


My favorite ceramist is about to have a solid gold birthdayyyyyy!!!

i cant wait because, i love her. i love her because she fixes everything right up and because she teaches me innumerable things about shaping clay (and about shaping my whole life) i am lucky that she sleeps in the same room as me.

This song is for you, My Yoko!! (i will love you on your birthday- i will love you better than them!)

ps. you should check out more of this girls ceramics and thoughts. i mean, she is really awesome.

also: the umbrellas are fired. i cant wait to glaze them! i am getting a pretty good sized crush on clay..

extraordinary machine

i recently had a old friend tell me that this was my theme song..

i wasn't sure what he meant when he said that.. (complement?)

but today i was reading through the lyrics and i think that today i agree.. this is today's theme song.


Coming Soon:
Blogs about California, Ceramics, Car rides
and other things brought to you by the letter "C"

under the covers

So yes, I love blankets (blank it's) and I also love covers..

Here are some of my absolute favorite covers:

1. Let's Dance- M. Ward (Bowie Cover)
(this cover is quite possibly the best love song ever.ever.ever)
2. True Love Will Find You In the End- Beck
(Daniel Johnston cover)
3. All Mixed Up -Red House Painters (Cars Cover)
4. Heart it Races- Dr. Dog (Architecture in Helsinki cover)
5. Times Like These -Ryan Adams (Foo Fighters Cover)
6. I'm a Little Lost- Jens Lekman (Arthur Russel Cover)
6. These Days -St. Vincent/Mates of State (Niko Cover)
7. Landslide -The Smashing Pumpkins (Fleetwood Mac Cover)
8. Don't Look Back in Anger- Devendra Bandhart (Oasis Cover)
9. When You Were Mine- Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
(Prince Cover)
10. You've Really Got a Hold on Me- She & Him
(Smokey Robinson Cover)
11. Killing the Blues - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
12. Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa- Hot Chip and Peter Gabriel
(Vampire Weekend Cover)
(Britannie just sent me that one)
13. Exit Music for a Film -Vampire Weekend (Radiohead Cover)
l4. My Blue Heaven -Nora Jones (Fats Domino Cover)
15. Your Gonna Make Me Lonesome when You Go
- Madeleine Peyroux (Dylan Cover)

many of these have been given to me so if you are the one who gave them to me; well thank you very much!

And if you know of any other covers that should be on this list, tell me NOW!

moving pictures

i read an interesting article recently about cinema. i saw a really great film tonight. and earlier today i was working on writing a film..

and for some reason lately I have been thing a lot about this short film:


my sister blogged about this film once and i think its because we both agree that this film is so incredibly brilliant! and its brilliant because it succeeds in capturing an emotion that is near impossible to express. and i love the end. i love that she falls in love with life in a simple moment on a bench alone; with a sandwich.

life is crazy. there are always these thoughts that bounce around inside, at least for me. i always think about the past and all decisions made and then i try to guess what's coming and i never can..

"we can only hold so much from what i figure, we try and keep our eye on the big picture- the picture keeps getting bigger".. you have to simplify. this maybe isn't that easy-- and i'm maybe never quite sure how because i feel kind of like, "when i look down- i just miss all the good stuff and when i look up- i just trip over things"

but every now and then i get it right. i fly a kite off of the bellagio parking structure with two of the best people i know. i laugh until i cry with my sister. i go to a "tweeny" show with funny people.. i dance.. i make ceramic umbrellas.. i take myself to the movies.. i unload the dishwasher..

so-
big goal of 2009:
to simplify
and to fall in love with my life at least once a day
(even if i have to do it sitting on a park bench alone.)

hold time; on time.

Something arrived just on time today! A little surprise for me!

You can listen to M. Ward's who new album Here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=99084694




just love love love HIM!

i really cant believe he covers "lonesome me"-- on this album. how does he know these things? how does he know to cover the best songs ever made?

m. ward and i speak the same language. also: he is always on time.

Umbrellas and Blankets (i really like those two words)

yeah, i have been writing poems and making stuff. i just haven't been posting anything as of late.. here are a couple newbies.

"Blanket"

with my crayon i draw a blank-
a blank it
a blank it -of blue
-----blue
--------blue you
i draw the covers
------------your colors
and under a blanket of blue
-blank blue
-it you
i draw a blank it of you(blue)

help! (i need somebody)

Sometimes, you need somebody. i know that i needed help. that is to say- i need to help. So, this opportunity to go back to El Salvador just fell into my lap-- a happy accident (is there such things as accidents like this??). i found out about the open country director position just before thanksgiving and applied that night.. the interview the next day.. hired the next week. it was meant to be.. this is what i have going on lately. all kinds of help.

i just know that when i start to feel that every day is like sunday the best remedy I know is to start putting the sky back together for someone else..



if you want to get involved in any way, shape or form let me know.
(it will make you feel like 100 dollars)

Pregnant Pause

Oh little bloggy-blog. How i have missed you!
if you were wondering where i was.. well, i was mostly here:
(on the Houseboat)




we have a lot of catching up to do...