Friday, March 21, 2014

Hallelujah (and the opposite of)

A while back I rediscovered this old(ish) song. And it started me thinking.. Well, really.. I was already thinking but this song helped the conversation in my head formulate a bit.

This isn't my favorite song, it's not even my favorite song by Jens Lekman, but I really enjoy and connect to this song for a few reasons.

In the song, Jens is spending the day with his sister. I love the Holden/Phoebe-esque quality to their relationship. She appears innocent and beautiful and full of hallelujah and Jens/Holden is stuck inside of himself.  It would appear he is desperate to communicate something to his sister on the day of the song.. And it's something about a melancholy he feels and how difficult he thinks life can be. He wants to tell her how he feels homeless and, in a way, hopeless. He wants to show that things feel too hard.. But there is a problem, the world keeps showing him that it's full of hope and beauty and communicating to him that it's his home. He went to the ocean, but the ocean "made him feel stupid." He "picked up a seashell to illustrate [his] homelessness- but a crab crawled out of it, making it useless" He felt those things, those sad things- and they were real, but when he opened his eyes, and his mouth to complain or share this melancholy,  he saw other things.. Really beautiful things that reminded him that the world was wonderful and that his life was full and magical.

Perhaps I interpret the song this way because this is a common struggle in my life, of late. Things pull at me; I feel myself being stretched in ways I never knew possible. Some things just feel too hard and I let it overwhelm me. I sit in the place that is hard and I want to cry or run away or be rescued.. But, then, I open my eyes and I see.. My whole life is full of these beautiful, beautiful gifts and treasures. I have seen things more beautiful than the ocean in my experience of becoming a mother. I feel such a strong sense of home with my small, perfect family.. And also, my big family. My life is my life! I am learning limits and priorities and I am learning that its up to me to grow up and really become the person I want to be. (Honestly, why is that so hard to do?!) But really, I am full of hallelujah for all the great things in my life. and I will keep moving forward...
One last thought I pulled from the song. Jens says, "you still think I'm someone to look up to, I still don't know anything about you.. is it in you too?".. He admits, I still don't know anything about you- probably because he is locked up inside himself (the melancholy). On those days when we feel the opposite of hallelujah, we can't feel, remember or connect well with others. This is the biggest tragedy of my opposite of h mood, I believe, and my strongest motivation to change. If you are in my life, and I have missed things or not loved you like I should have due to being locked inside myself, I say a heartfelt, 'I'm so sorry' I want to know things about you! I want to be the best friend! I want to love/empathize/pull up the people who do the same for me.Let's make some new memories and laugh. Let's all just breathe and say hallelujah!