i feel like.. you (might not) like me... if you met me..

i was a lucky duck when i was a sophomore in high school. An audition came up for a play and for some reason not that many theatre majors opted to audition for it, but i did. i worked my little tooshie off to be ready for that audition and then.. it came. i was called back and then, amazingly, i was cast! I was cast as a lead role in a main stage production with mostly upperclassmen my sophomore year. A miracle.

I think it had a little to do with the work I did, a little to do with timing and a lot to do with luck.. but that show seemed to set the stage for high school. From then on I kept working really really hard and found myself getting cast in things that I really wanted to participate in and it was fantastic. But it wasn't completely fantastic for a few reasons. One, it was not really <>preparation for the rejection that I would encounter upon entering the 'adult world'. I think that acting is one of the hardest professions in the world because you are constantly being rejected and because it is about you and how you act, it feels so so personal. I didn't feel a lot of that in high school but what i did feel in high school was the sense of unfairness of it all. I would get cast and I would be so excited to start this new project knowing that it would help me grow and shape me in some new way... but after looking at my name printed on the cast list, i saw behind those letters all of the names of the girls who thought their name could've been on it.. all the people who worked really hard on their audition as well. A lot of these girls were really really good friends of mine and I knew they were talented and amazing and underappricated and I hated that all of that was happening to them. I wanted to kick something hard for them.. they were supportive and loving but i knew there were probably many times when they thought, 'damn emily.. could you just not audition for this one, or something??.. just leave this one alone'.. And i thought about it a lot.. i thought about not auditioning for things.. i wondered if it would make it any better. i wondered if they would get cast if i didn't.. and i also wondered if they would have been happy with whoever got cast as long as it wasnt me...

i remember how weird it felt to feel such opposing emotions at once.. excitment and joy and also resentment for myself and the situation and confusion and a little bit of sadness.. it was really hard to know that i didnt really deserve it any more than they did.. and it was hard to not feel like i was stealing from them in some way. they work hard. they are awesome. why don't they get it?

things always come around though.. i found myself after high school in college with one of the girls that i respected so much in high school who was underappricated but none the less incredibly tallented.. she had always stuck out to me in high school, her work was always sensitive, honest and brilliant and she was rarely cast. At the university, there was this one audition for this one play and in the play there was this one role.. and i really really wanted it.. its one of the roles i just want to play before i die, i still would die to play it.. i worked hard to get ready for the audition but... guess who got cast.. yep, she did.. if i remember correctly, i didnt even get called back. she had no idea how much i wanted it, i never told her.. but while i was sorely disappointed that i didn't get it, i was glad she got it..

i guess.. welp, i guess i have just been thinking about that lately.. about feeling many things and once and about who i am.. yeah, those experiences in high school meant so much to me, and yes i grew and they have literally made me into who i am.. but maybe i should have just backed off some in high school.. paid more attention.. respected more boundaries.. maybe it wasnt about who got 'cast' as much as it was just about me backing off.. maybe i should have just sat some of those auditions out, left them alone.. but i didn't..

and what does that really say about me? ... i wonder (not unlike tegan and sara) if i wouldn't like me if i met me..

that has to be the worst combination of feelings.. excitement and joy contrasted against guilt and embarrassment and the weight of the emotions of other people who you truly respect admire and like.. not good.. not good at all..

But, while I am still learning about all of these things in the context of my life as an actress and my life in general, I take some consolation in knowing that i have pure intentions.. i don't ever mean to be a jerk.. i take consolation also in the fact that i certainly now felt my share of rejection, injustice, heart trampling etc. etc.. i guess its just part of growing up.. hope i get it figured out more and more as i go...