“Poets claim that we recapture for a moment the self that we were long ago when we enter some house or garden in which we used to live in our youth. But these are most hazardous pilgrimages, which end as often in disappointment as in success. It is in ourselves that we should rather seek to find those fixed places, contemporaneous with different years.”
-Proust
Right now
(amid wedding and all the excitement)
there is so much about coming "home". To Las Vegas, to myself, to understanding love and relationships and myself. I don't know how i can still be so mysterious to myself.. sometimes.
Part of getting married means that you are now in charge of all of your things. Every box and every old photograph. It's no longer your parents job to store that stuff up. Over the last couple of weeks, my mom has given me all the boxes that have been collecting dust in her storage for years. I haven't gone though it all, but everything I have gone through has been a so interesting and I have all these strong emotions about it all. I've really loved my life-- I love remembering. Sometimes I think about myself in the past and the one thing I love about past emily, is that she knew and understood those "fixed places" inside of her. Something about growing up made those a little shaky for a while-- but i feel like it's finally coming back. I still have fixed places, and that's nice to know.
One of the best things about the person i get to marry is that he reminds me to not take life/myself/anything too seriously. He is an enduring optimist and he reminds me that i am one too. One of my fixed places is next to him
(Probably fast asleep while he watches the rest of the movie- but next to him)
2 comments:
Disappointment is not a bad thing, as all things in life cannot be distinguished dualistically (good and bad, moral and immoral). If you break it down etymologically, you will see that is deals simply with misplacing certain feelings or institutions of thought. Those old memories you might confuse with your current feelings and perception of yourself--more often than not subconsciously. Think of it more as a breath; they have already been appointed, appointed to a self current only in the past, and as a memory you can only take it in, revel in it's familiar pleasure, and let it out. Life goes on, just listen to the Beatles.
this post is perfect. and I love remembering too.
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