Hallelujah (and the opposite of)

A while back I rediscovered this old(ish) song. And it started me thinking.. Well, really.. I was already thinking but this song helped the conversation in my head formulate a bit.

This isn't my favorite song, it's not even my favorite song by Jens Lekman, but I really enjoy and connect to this song for a few reasons.

In the song, Jens is spending the day with his sister. I love the Holden/Phoebe-esque quality to their relationship. She appears innocent and beautiful and full of hallelujah and Jens/Holden is stuck inside of himself.  It would appear he is desperate to communicate something to his sister on the day of the song.. And it's something about a melancholy he feels and how difficult he thinks life can be. He wants to tell her how he feels homeless and, in a way, hopeless. He wants to show that things feel too hard.. But there is a problem, the world keeps showing him that it's full of hope and beauty and communicating to him that it's his home. He went to the ocean, but the ocean "made him feel stupid." He "picked up a seashell to illustrate [his] homelessness- but a crab crawled out of it, making it useless" He felt those things, those sad things- and they were real, but when he opened his eyes, and his mouth to complain or share this melancholy,  he saw other things.. Really beautiful things that reminded him that the world was wonderful and that his life was full and magical.

Perhaps I interpret the song this way because this is a common struggle in my life, of late. Things pull at me; I feel myself being stretched in ways I never knew possible. Some things just feel too hard and I let it overwhelm me. I sit in the place that is hard and I want to cry or run away or be rescued.. But, then, I open my eyes and I see.. My whole life is full of these beautiful, beautiful gifts and treasures. I have seen things more beautiful than the ocean in my experience of becoming a mother. I feel such a strong sense of home with my small, perfect family.. And also, my big family. My life is my life! I am learning limits and priorities and I am learning that its up to me to grow up and really become the person I want to be. (Honestly, why is that so hard to do?!) But really, I am full of hallelujah for all the great things in my life. and I will keep moving forward...
One last thought I pulled from the song. Jens says, "you still think I'm someone to look up to, I still don't know anything about you.. is it in you too?".. He admits, I still don't know anything about you- probably because he is locked up inside himself (the melancholy). On those days when we feel the opposite of hallelujah, we can't feel, remember or connect well with others. This is the biggest tragedy of my opposite of h mood, I believe, and my strongest motivation to change. If you are in my life, and I have missed things or not loved you like I should have due to being locked inside myself, I say a heartfelt, 'I'm so sorry' I want to know things about you! I want to be the best friend! I want to love/empathize/pull up the people who do the same for me.Let's make some new memories and laugh. Let's all just breathe and say hallelujah! 

Sometimes Your Heart Needs a Good Laugh

The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

-- by Charles Bukowski

Other Voices

This is real life, everyone. Mindy and I are opening the gallery on Friday! Come and relish with us, pretty please. You will not regret it. Emily's art is really fantastic.

Special thanks to Britannie Bond for creating the poster in a pinch! 

Other Voices Art Gallery

Inside the Emergency Arts. 6th Street & Fremont. Las Vegas

"All Great and Precious Things are Loney"

Here are a few late night truths for a forgotten blog
(forgive the melancholy tone)
This is a mean reds day

 #1- 10:30pm has become late night for me

 #2-i miss being an actor. i am supposed to be helping people, but i feel pretty far away from that right now. Right now, everything just feels hard. And my body feels so tired. So hard.. and  So tired. all the time. (Heavy)

 #3-this blog post title is the name of a private blog i set up months ago. i set it up to have a place to put new things i have written.. poems and stories. it's empty. not one entry. lonely indeed. all my creative projects are lonely these days.

#4-i cant do it all.. even though i really want to. (see previous blog post)

#5- everyone else makes it look like it should be easy.

zoobeezoobeezoo

a couple of things i would like to improve on: (in no particular order) making dinner every night developing talents (writing, sewing, drawing, acting etc) making things with my hands more often sending things in the mail making sure the people i love know that i love them (show them more) looking good everyday-- get up early enough to actually get ready for the day reading more (read things every day) doing the dishes everyday. taking risks/doing things that scare me traveling being present writing things down (journal form, or variations) praying walking (more) /biking (more) /being outside (more) organizing.. completing things on time and/or early saving money and lastly personal confidence level ie. level of comfort in my own skin (where did this go?.. it starting disappearing around 2006. i want it back) lalalalala.

if there's one thing i like it's a blue bathing suit

help me to make it

 on repeat.
 ((you know those days that for no particular reason you feel completely
dull,
flat,
boring
and about 1,000 years old?))

 today.


 ps. i can i just get to the outdoors already??